Freud Discovers Anal Retention
This post is an excerpt from a work-in-progress titled "The Viking Project" in which two mad scientists and a very special computer named Otto (made by the Von Bismark Corporation) are trying to discover what it is that screws up our human psyches. What makes us behave the way we do? Otto was programmed by Villy-Gunter Freud, the great grandson of Sigmund himself. This excerpt describes how Freud came upon the concept of anal retention. (You'll enjoy it more if you read the dialog expressively out lout with a thick Germanic accent.)
Thanks to long sessions spent listening to Villy-Gunter as he reminisced, Otto was able to relive a childhood spent in the presence of Sigmund Freud. In his mind dwelt a total recall -- physical, emotional and intellectual -- of the very moment the good Doctor fell upon the notion of anal retention.
Siggy was baby sitting his two and a half year old great grandson, Villy-Gunter, when he noticed the kid's attention was totally devoted to inhibiting the natural functions of his bowels. He was doing his best to keep from shitting his pants.
The kid was at the toilet training tantrum stage and felt he'd be doing the grown ups a favor by going to the can. He thought he'd get his ass licked if he shit his pants. So he was really in a bind.
The old man watched quietly for about twenty minutes and then he exploded:
"Dumbkoff!!" he bellowed, as he headed across the room wildly waving his arms. "Vy do you do ziss dumb sing??"
"Zerr iz shidt inzide you unt you sit zerr unt you hold it in. For vat reason vould you do such a schtupid sing? Do you not know zat shidt is somesing to be shat??"
Villy-Gunter, though he hadn't been aware of this fact up to that point, suddenly came face to face with it. He shat his pants. A moment later, as the lovely post-partum release washed over him, he noticed that for the first time in his life, he felt no trace of shame or guilt. But how could he? He'd had no choice in the matter.
His gut said "NOW???"
His brain answered "NOW !!!"
And out it came.
Poppa had scared the shit out of him. Simple.
As he reached for the child, Freud's nose informed him of the moving event and his reaction was amazing. The anger disappeared. Pride and approval glowed from his grizzled face.
"You zee?" he asked the baby as he lifted him lovingly from his pen. "I vas right! Yah?? Don't you feel much better now?" "Yah, yah," he cooed as he carried his progeny across the room towards the open window. " A good lezzon has been learnt today, mein kindt. Shidt must be shatt. If you don't shidt ven you should, life gets shitty. Remember ziss little Villy. It's a good sing to know."
And now this lesson was firmly ensconced in the cosmic computer memory that was alive and well within the body of Otto.